I was born and raised in Portland Oregon. While growing up, I had a pretty good childhood clear up ‘till about the 5th grade. We moved from North Portland here to Southeast, Felony Flats. Felony Flats is a neighbor known for drug use, prostitution, and other crimes. None of us knew that about the neighborhood, at the time. I got messed up in the schools because of all the kids, and all the parents were bikers and drug users. Smoking pot and doing this and that. That's how I got into pot and LSD. I was in the 5th grade when I started smoking pot and cigarettes.
I moved closer to my aunt and uncle’s house. I was going to their house all the time. Cleaning their house, for them for five bucks, taking care of their kids, my aunts’ kids. I got molested by my uncle. Before I started smoking pot, I didn't notice that they were smoking pot. I was more understanding of what my aunt was doing. It opened my eyes to everything around me. I didn't have any clue. My eyes were open. Like I ate from the tree of knowledge.
I wanted some pot. They said, "Oh God your mothers going to kill me." But then we did it anyway. We smoked pot. They gave me cross tops (speed) to make me go a little faster. "You want to try this?” So I was putting them together, do bong hits and eating speed. I was cleaning their house really good.
My Uncle S.... brother, he started coming over more and more. One night he raped me. I was nervous, but I didn't think of it as being bad. It was bad of course. He was doing it all the time. It got worse and worse. It happened in 5th and 6th grade. I grew up with those guys.
When I hit 13, I was with this girl, and we just ran off. My mother took our camp fire group to Oaks Amusement Park. Brenda and I hitchhiked back to the house, and we met this guy. We stayed in a motel. That's the day we started doing cocaine. That’s how I was introduced to 82nd Avenue. I was supposed to be going to Marshall High school. I was telling my mom I was going but, I never went to school. We got turned onto prostitution ‘cause it was quick money. It seemed like it was fun because we were high. So we were up and down 82nd all the time.
82nd was horrible. 82nd ruined my life. I just got so lost. I had four babies before I turned 19. I was 24 when I had my last child. After my last child, my mom took all of my kids. I was so blessed by my mother. She raised all my babies, and she took real good care of them. They’re doing real good, even the one who is running around. He's got a good heart, and he loves Jesus. I'm so grateful for that because I was a horrible mom.
Through all of that, I was running around on 82nd. That's what got me. When I had my last child, I left home. I was gone like 11 days. I called home, and mom said I couldn't come back. CSD said if I were there, they would take the kids. I was 30 years old then.
I was 18 when I started getting all my drug charges. I was going in and out of jail. It started with me being in a stolen car. I was in the passenger seat with the driver when we got pulled over. The driver he said, "I'm going to jail." I was crying, and he told me, "You're going too." I freaked out. I went to jail for three days for a stolen vehicle. They dropped the charges, but I didn't know that. All I had to do was show up in court, and I didn't show up in court, so I got a Failure to Appear. Failure to Appear turned into a 5 year probation, which went further. I was in and out of jail for
8 years for that charge alone. I failed to appear because of the drugs. When your high you don't want to stop being high. So you can't go to court because they might put you in jail. You keep doing the drugs, and it gets worse and worse. It was stupid ‘cause all I had to do was go to court, and I would have had nothing because the driver said, I had nothing to do with it. Plus I had just turned 18. Those years went by so quick.
When I met my oldest son's father on 82nd, I was hanging with this other girl named Sheryl. When I met Sheryl, I thought I was going to be gay forever. We met this guy named Ken who had a car. We talked him into driving us to California, so we could get rich quick. Sheryl had this idea how to get rich quick. We made it just before the border. We stayed at this motel and instead of being gay, I went with Ken. He had a 65 Chevy Impala super sport. They were all getting high on meth, and Sheryl asked if I wanted to do some. I said ok. I thought we were going to toot it or snort it. They pulled out needles, and I was getting freaked out. Sheryl mellowed me out. She gave me some alcohol, and it mellowed me out. They stuck the needle in my arm and all it did the first time was make me sober. I was mad. I was like "I drank all that alcohol". That's when I started doing meth. Instead of going with Sheryl, I came back with Ken.
I would hang with Ken, and he had a gun, down the front of his pants. He sold dope. I
thought he was big. I thought he was so cool and everything. You know the criminal thing. So I hung around him and ended up having my oldest son. That's when I started doing meth. When I started doing meth, it was weird. I lost like 100 pounds in a few months. I was wearing a leather jacket and boots and stuff. All this happened together. My uncle, all this. It all happened quickly, one thing after another.
I was 17, and Ken left me for Shelly. I lost if for a little while. I started going to his dealer, and he would hook me up with all this stuff. I started selling it a little here and there. People started coming to my house. So that's how I started selling dope.
So much stuff happened ‘till I turned 18. I was selling dope, so I was hooked up with a lot of different people. So there were guns, drugs, sex, and all that stuff. Now I look back, and it was a blur which, I'm happy about. But it gave me a sense of paranoia, schizophrenia, always looking behind me. You don't trust nobody ‘cause everybody's trying to get dope. So they'll rip you off
Everybody was using needles. I thought that was the only way you could do dope was using needles, so that's how I did it.
All the way up through out that time I had my babies. My youngest son, his dad, I was with him for six years. When I was about 30 years old, he decided to take off, for a little while. I decided to go with him, so I left all my kids at my mom's house. We ended up on 82nd, and he turned me on to the poker machines. That's when I actually woke up. When I started playing the poker machines, I got so thrashed. I almost gave up drugs, to a point. I was still doing a little drugs, but all my money was going to the poker machines. I gave up cigarettes. I gave up everything. I left my kids at my mom's house. Before the poker machines, I would go home and do my drugs. I would sell drugs from my home. But, when I started playing the poker machines, I never went home. I was gone for like eleven days. I called home, and my mom said I couldn't come back.
For two years straight I ran up and down 82nd being a prostitute. I was doing all that stuff, playing poker machines. I went through hundreds of thousands of dollars playing the poker machines. I couldn't even estimate how much money I made selling drugs and being a prostitute that went into the poker machines.
That's when I followed Eric, but I ended up splitting up with Eric and went with Alex. I was with Alex for two years, and that guy whooped my butt. He beat the hell out of me all the time. I don't know what he had in his head. I don't even know why I stayed with him, but he beat me up all the time. I was still doing stuff behind his back, but it was the weirdest relationship. He gave me concussions. One night he tore me up so bad my head was swollen up like that monster guy on Goonies. It was after we would get high and he would get mean. I got into it. I don't know what was wrong with me. I think I was punishing myself because my kids weren’t at my house. I really believe that's what I was doing, punishing myself, because my babies were at my mom's house.
When I was in and out of jail in 1995, I went to a bible study and accepted Jesus into my heart as my Savior. Then I would leave the jailhouse, and go right back in all the stuff I was doing. In and out. In and out. But I accepted Jesus as my savior, so the Holy Spirit was with me. Little by little he had to find times to come into my soul because most the times I was being evil. And you know the Lord doesn't come into evil. So he had to find time to talk to me when I wasn't being bad.
So he, the Lord, sent my sister on 82nd. She would come out of the blue. I would be hanging over the bridge on Harney, and she would just hug me. She would tell me Jesus loves me. When Alex went to jail, I was hitch hiking on 82nd, and I met my husband. He picked me up. He was in this beefed out 1970 cherry red Ventura. He had a cowboy hat on, and boots, and leather jacket. He said, "You want a ride?" He supposedly had no idea what I was doing. He gave me a ride and dropped me off.
Two days later I met him again. I was so exhausted that day. I think the Lord had this all planned out. I was so exhausted, and he said: "You can come to my house." He took me all the way into Molalla on 73 acres of beautiful trees. I got out of the car, and I was like "Wow, you live here"? He had just gotten out of jail after seven years, and he was living in a trailer on his parent’s property. He says "Yeah and you can live here too." I said Ok. That's how I ended up with Carl. It's so weird. We were together for about a year and a half. That was a sad time too. When I met him I moved on that mountain, and I went cold turkey, off the drugs for three months. I was so proud of myself. I got a job at the Molalla Buckaroo. It was the first time I ever did anything responsible. He was taking me to see my kids. Every day from Molalla he would take me to my mom's house. My mom was shocked, and she said you got to keep this one. But she told him "Run from her.” He took me to see my kids for two years. He had two jobs and two bank accounts. He bought all my kids Christmas presents one year.
When I first met Carl, I didn't know that he had biker relatives everywhere that were shooting and doing drugs. We went to Roseburg to see his uncle. He hadn't seen him in seven years, and I had no idea what we were going into. His sister was with us. When I walked into the house, I was like "Oh my God"! I knew exactly what I was walking into. His uncle had his drugs all over the place. His sister got high first, and she seemed mellow. She seemed like she could handle it. I was like "Ok". When Carl got high, it was horrible. He totally changed. He was in the bathroom. There was water all over the bathroom. He was in there trippin'. His uncle pulls him out of the bathroom, and he's trippin' through the house. Some biker guy showed up by the name of Maggot. When Carl opened the door he said "Dick" ‘cause that's his uncle's name. "There's a maggot at the door." I'm like "Oh my God. Here we go." Carl was tripping out saying he had Elvis Presley, in the trunk of his car, and then these guys asked me how I was going to handle him. I said I don't even know him. It was just horrible. I ended up getting high, laying on the floor and played cards.
During the time in '97 to 2000, we were just running around. After Carl got high, we ended up on the streets. He lost his car. He lost his job. He lost everything. It just took that one time going to his uncles. That's all it takes, just one time. That's how messed up dope is. It can change a person that has a job, and is responsible, and looks good, and has a good heart. And he's all for everybody else. The time span went so fast. When you're on the dope, you lose track of time. You lose track of people. You lose your family. You lose everything. It's just heart wrenching. It was all meth. I lost my Carl. I lost the man I just met so quickly. It broke my heart. We did stay together.
He's in Lebanon with his parents right now. In the course of that time, we went to Bandon and ended up getting married. We went straight for about a year in Bandon. We got jobs with his other uncle, who's a good guy. Carl quit doing drugs and stuff. That’s when I started going to church. I went to this elderly church. All the people were old people, but they just loved on us. That was in 2000.
These little old ladies, they put together my wedding. Our Pastor Betty Lee, she came and picked us up at work. She picked us both up, Carl and me. We asked what she was doing. She said, "Today you guys are getting married." She bought the wedding license and everything. She talked to the judge and got the three-day waiver so we could get married that night. In the church was Pastor Betty Lee, her husband, her parents, Carl and me. That's how we got married. They put together the wedding the next month, for the families to come down.
I totally believe that God had everything to do with that. Because once I was married, even though I was doing that bad stuff, in my head marriage is marriage. I look at my parents. My parents were married for 36 years. My step dad met my mom when I was two years old. He took care of her, spoiled her, and went to work. That's how I look at marriage. The man being the man, and my mom, staying home.
My head was there, but my body was still jonesing. Carl started drinking behind my back, and he started working, for the Police department, behind my back in Bandon. It was a small town. He wore a wire, and the police would send him in houses, for people buying and selling weed.
I was working at Subway. The girl I was working with goes "Is that your husband?” I said he’s at work and she said: "No, that's your husband." I look out the window and my husband’s running through the parking lot. I yelled, and he stopped. He comes to me, and I asked: "What the hell are you doing because I know you're up to something." Every time I went to say, I have a warrant and you need to be good, he would put his hand on my mouth. I thought he was trying to slap me. So I slugged him, and I was screaming, and my voice was right in the wire. Later when he came home, he showed me the tape print on his stomach and told me what he was doing. I said "Oh my God." We packed up everything and went back to Portland. I asked him if he was trying to kill us because we would have ended up dead. I freaked out because we could have ended up in a pig farm. That's how you get rid of the bodies. I know it sounds like something off the TV, but it's not. It's real stuff.
So we were back on the streets in Portland. When me and Carl got back into Portland, it didn't even take us a week. We took our rings off and sold them for a twenty dollar bag each.
We sold our wedding rings, that was heart wrenching. That actually split us up for a while because this lady in Bandon, her husband had died, and she knew we didn't have wedding rings so, she gave us her wedding rings. It was a cross with diamonds on both sides. It was like over a thousand dollar set. When we did that it broke my spirit and I took off from him and went back to doing my stuff on 82nd. I don't know what he was doing. But we would run into each other once in a while, and love on each other, and then split up again. And that's how we have always been for 21 years.
Carl ended up going to jail for three years. Three years in. Three years out. Three years in. Three years out. And that's how we always were. I was just doing drugs and whatever. I wasn't the church girl or the Bible wife at all. But in the back of my head, the Holy Spirit was whispering to me always and kept me loved when I wasn't loved. Having police officers arrest me when I needed to go to jail so, I wouldn't die. God took good care of me in the midst of all my bull. In and out of jail clear up to 2005.
I was hanging with this crew on Cristal Springs, and I was selling and playing the poker machines like a dog. I started drinking. Actually, drinking helped me stop doing the drugs, which was weird.
Once in a while, I would walk into the Clackamas Service Center on Sundays. They would have this church going. Joanne and Steve. My parent’s name was Joan and Steve. Once in a while, I would walk in there, and stand in the back corner and cry. The women there would hug on me, and love on me. They told me they would give me the money, to go back to Bandon, to the church there because my husband, Carl was in jail. They offered a bus ticket and money. I knew I didn't deserve any of that so I would just say no. I would run out again and be gone for a few weeks. I'd be running the streets, riding a bicycle, and looking all stupid just like everybody else.
And then one day, the Holy Spirit just grabbed me. I was sleeping in a van somewhere. The Holy Spirit said "It's time." I was getting high and reading the Bible if you can accept that. But everything would just jump off the page and stick to me.
There was one word about this man that got 15 years back of his life because he turned back to the Lord. So I grabbed that and kept that. Then a couple other words, that 'if you turn from your wicked ways, and come back to me, I will be your God and you will be my people. All this stuff was sticking to me.
The cops knocked on the door of the van. I had a warrant. The cops take me to jail, and I'm so happy about this because I know this is the beginning of my life. I was in jail for 12 days, and during that time, I sat on my bed. I had my Bible, and girls were coming to me and asking for prayer and stuff. I was praying and reading the word. I got out of jail, and I had no desire, there was no jones (Craving to use) in my stomach. The jones from the drugs is what, even when you want to stop, you can't because, that jones just pulls you. It's a chemical thing. It's in your head. It's in your stomach. It's in your arms. It's in your legs. It's a jones. You jones for the drugs. That's when people are freaking out. But that jones was absolutely gone. Any other time I went to jail, no matter what was in my head about being good, the second you walk out the door, that jones just takes you right to the drug house. It's so hard. There is no ignoring it. I didn't have any of that. It was completely gone. There was nothing there. I went back to my mom's and said I'm good. Nobody believed me.
I started going to church at Joanne's and Steve's church. I started doing the Bible study. One day I needed church on Thursday, and I was told to go to Grace live church. So I was going there on Thursdays. I had Bible study on Wednesdays, women's Bible study on Tuesdays, and I had church on Sundays. I don't remember what I was doing on Saturdays. I needed something on Fridays. I got together with some women, and we opened up the Clackamas Service Center on Fridays, and we had a women's NA group. Everything was filled for my whole week for God. Then I got baptized.
All the good stuff was happening. I was on probation for a few months. God was so good to me. He gave me back my family. Everything happened so quickly. I had respect from my children and my mom. It was just amazing.
I did a drug treatment for out-patient for a little while, so I could get off probation. I was off probation in 2007. Everybody at the drug place was high. It was a trip because back in the day I would have just been high too, ‘cause everybody got away with it at drug treatment. It was so stupid. That drug treatment was terrible. But I had no desire. This was really good. I was like in a bubble.
One day I was waiting to go to treatment, and I was outside in receiving, and there was a paper on the wall about going to college. It was a free class. So I took the class, and it got me into community college for three years. It was awesome. God gave me everything. He said 'I will replace everything Satan has taken from you. Even more'. Every word that he promises in the Bible just was coming on me just in a year. It was just so amazing.
I didn't stay in college because my bones are deteriorating from the drug use. So now I got Osteoarthritis and deterioration of bone. I had a hip replacement for one, and I'll probably do another one for my knees. I don't know what they'll do with my shoulders. I use a walker. That was the drugs.
All my bi-polar stuff and my schizophrenic, I'm on meds for that. I'm hoping to come off of those. I know it sounds contradictive with what God is doing because everything was going so good. Then our pastor fell, then the church fell, and my husband fell. Through that, the Lord kept a hold of me, and I met Everett and Lynne, our pastors now. They took over the church. Satan tried to come at the church we got now but he ain't having it. The foundation of Jesus is way too strong. I'm so grateful for that.
That was my life. It went by so quickly. God is so good, and the Holy Spirit is so good. I just want to let people know that with God all things are possible. And if you think you aren't worth anything, trust me. I've been in everything from A to Z, and anything else you can think of. I've probably done it. The Lord saved me, so trust in Him. He can save you. If you want a different life, if you want to change your life, God will help a broken and contrite heart. He will come to you, and save you if you just call out His name. That's what I rely on, my faith.
What I saw on the street
There was a serial killer, Dayton Leroy Rogers. He got a few of the girls that I knew when I was prostituting. He got DD. That was my girl. He cut off their feet and dumped them at Molalla, thirteen miles behind my husband's property. He dumped all these women and put lye all over their bodies. You couldn't even recognize them.
I was in and out of jail so much. I went to jail nine times by Officer Steven in six months. During that time Dayton Leroy Rogers was doing all that stuff. As soon as they caught Dayton Leroy Rogers, I never saw Officer Steven since. He just disappeared. He would pick me up and take me to my mom's house and say "Joan, she's ok." Officer Steven ended up going to the grade schools. He would show the kids how to be safe. My little sisters would go "Oh, that's officer ..... The happy cop". As soon as they caught Dayton Leroy Rogers, I never saw Officer Steven again. He was like an angel or something. He arrested me nine times in six months. One time I went kicking and screaming. I tried to run from him and I got a half a block away, and he picked me up off the ground. "Beverly, why are you trying to run from me?" I was kicking and screaming "I don't want to go to jail today." He said, "I know sweetie, but you got a warrant." He arrested me nine times in a matter of six months. That was all in the time Dayton Leroy Rogers was killing all those girls. The one girl he killed, DD, me and her, we use to share whatever. We were with the same people. She’s smart. She was a smart girl, and he got her. So I totally know the Lord was taking care of me.
As soon as I got my head together, I knew that God kept me alive. I know this because I dealt with this guy that had a big butcher knife, and I automatically went into it. I acted like I liked being that way. I was a trick off 82nd. We were in a big van. I just automatically went into S and M mode. I'm the M and he's the S. He was doing all this stuff and I was into it. And I go "I got a little sister that would love you." Automatically my brain would twist. And there was this other guy, another time. They would let me out of the car afterwards. They would say "See ya later," and I'm "Oh sure." I would tell somebody a couple times, and it would end up on a piece of paper that Outside In put out, for the prostitutes to be aware. Outside In would also tell the prostitutes what cars to watch out for. (Outside In is a nonprofit organization in Portland, Oregon, that provides social and medical services to homeless youth and other marginalized.
We met so many guys. This one guy, after I got out of jail, down by 52nd in the white stag area. He had my hair. All of a sudden D's face flashed in my brain. Danger was flashing in my head. So I pulled away from him and got out of his car. I dented the door and got away. I had a big bloody spot on my head where he pulled all my hair out. But I got out of the car, and I ran up the hill, and I ran right into Officer Steven. I was trying to tell him, "There's a guy down there." He goes "You got a warrant." I told him "I know, but there's a guy down there." I can't remember the face, but it could have been Dayton Leroy Rogers. I didn't realize it, but the Lord was just taking care of me. I got arrested, and I went to jail.
This one guy, I had a jump suit that went clear up to my head, and he tried to hurt me. I backed up against the door and started kicking and screaming. I kicked his head and blood started coming out, and I got out of the car and ran off.
Another time I was with Carol. We were in this guy’s car, and he had Carol with a knife against her. I pulled out my butcher knife. I had a westerner. I said, "This is a knife." I ended up dropping it, and he threw Carol on me. Carol got out of the car, and I grabbed the blade of my knife, and he grabbed the handle. We both pulled. I had gloves on, but I knew I cut off the second finger of my left hand, and I just kept it to me. He saw the blood and he said: "Oh my God, get out of my car." I said, "Give me my knife." He threw my knife out the door window. I was out of the car and Carol's screaming. I told her to pick up the knife. I'm thinking Perry Mason, fingerprints on the handle. I don't know what my brain was thinking. We flagged down a car. We have to go to the hospital. We get to the hospital, and they take my arm, and the finger plops off. They fixed me, and I ended up staying the night.
I was going back to jail. This girl in jail, she took the cast off when they told me not to. She took it off and said, "Don't listen to them." I'm lying down, and she would move my hand around. That's why I can move my finger. It didn't get stuck. Sometimes you meet people, and their fingers are stuck.
I was Schizophrenic, thinking all the time that people are going to get you. I ended up hearing voices. I was being beat up all the time.
Reading different books in jail. I think the Holy Spirit is what helped me control it. I still deal with it today, but I know it's just Satan trying to get to you. But instead of dealing with a thought he puts in your head, just don't deal with it. Don't waiver on it. Just use the word to calm down.
Steps for change
I don't feel the pull of addiction at all. There were times, like when my mom died in 2014, I lost it. I went to Roseburg with my husband for 14 months. I lived in a little apartment with him. I had his social security card, and I paid all the bills. I just waddled on the couch for 14 months and watched TV. He was doing dope, running in and out of the house. So you can imagine what I had to deal with. Going back, there were times I had to deal with the dope stuff again. But the Lord is good. I didn't fall to deep in the hole. Addiction, the drug is so strong; it will make you give up everything. You give up your family, your money, your life, your dignity, everything. You just go into this darkness. Satan just loves people there. He doesn't even have to try. I can't explain it. It's just horrible.
One time I was 13 and went up on 82nd. I got drunk with this guy, and we went up by the cemetery. I was so drunk; I don't remember. I remember opening the car door, but I don't remember how I got home. I must have given him my address, but he took me to my mom's house. I woke up the next morning in my pajamas in my bed. There was a good guy.
One time I was with the father of my oldest son. We were in his car and he had a partner in the back. We had this old, old lady. She had drugs and guns on her, and he had guns on him. I had this, like, granny blouse on with this skirt and we got pulled over by the cops. Instantly, he stuffed his gun down my shirt, and she stuffed her drugs and gun down my shirt. He had switched places with his partner, ‘cause his partner had a license. The lady told me to be quiet. "They're not going to deal with you." So it all went smooth. We got to drive off, but I was so messed up. And their like "You did good".
One time the father of my oldest son wanted to get into this business place. He couldn't get in there. I was the tiniest one, so he stuffed me through a window and told me to go open the door. I'm not a thief at all. I don't do the thief thing.
The guy I was with in '95, he wanted me to go into Fred Meyers and keep watch while he was doing it. But the look on my face, I looked guilty, so he had me go outside. I was the good thief. The prostitute, crying and wiping Jesus feet with my tears. That's how the Bible pulls me in.
I never saw anyone lose their life from OD. But I know people who did. My husband did it. When we were in Bandon, I was strong with the church and staying at the motel next to the church. My husband took a U-haul for this guy and drove all his stuff to Portland. While he was in Portland, he hooked up with my girl Carol. He did some heroin mixed with cocaine, and he OD'd. During the time he's ODing, I'm in the motel room, like two in the morning. I'm watching MC Hammer preach on TV. All of a sudden my arms go up, and I just started speaking in tongues. I ended up on the floor still speaking in tongues. When I was done, I was gasping.
I ran out of my motel room to the church, and I woke the ladies up. I told them what happened. I'm thinking I'm losing my mind. They said, "That's good." They’re praying for me and they said I spoke in tongues. I stayed there that night. The next morning my girl calls me and tells me "I just want to let you know, this is the only reason we saved him because he's your husband." I go "What?" She said "Yeah, your husband OD'd last night and they wanted to roll him up in a carpet and throw him out on the street. I said no so we put him in the shower for hours". I asked what time this was and she said two in the morning.
That's something that really happened to me. I started praying in tongues at the time my husband was ODing in Portland. That is the honest to God truth. I know tongues are real and people trip on them. I haven't spoken in tongues in a long time.
My church is my foundation. The Lord and the word is my foundation. I am actually sick. I can't do much. But I'm hearing God say "Don't say that." With God all things are possible. So slowly I'm getting things together. I had a hip replacement, and I'm going to be getting everything else. I'll be back up again. I'm on pain meds, and I'm hoping to get off of those. I've got really good doctors, and the Lord has blessed me with good people around me.
If You Are Having a Medical Emergency, Please Call 911
Portland Women's Crisis Line (503) 235-5333 or (888) 235-5333
Clackamas Women's Services Crisis Line (503) 654-2288 or (888) 654-2288